Lumon
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Hello, Rihannarihanna

All right, Rihanna. What I’d like to do is share with you some facts about your outie. Because your outie is an exemplary person, these facts should be very pleasing. Just relax your body and be open to the facts. Try to enjoy each one equally.

Your outie drops more product launches per month than meaningful text replies to friends.
Your outie believes coordinating family holiday outfits counts as high-level strategic planning.
Your outie dedicates entire tweet threads to reminding fans to moisturize their ashy elbows.
Your outie calls matching her shoes to her underwear a valid summer goal, and we’re honestly inspired by the low bar.
Your outie has officially turned your bathroom cabinet into an alternate Sephora location.
Your outie mentions lip products so often, we're pretty sure gloss is now a fundamental part of her personality.
Your outie believes being a boy mom qualifies as an Olympic sport, yet refuses to run outside when it rains.
Your outie prides herself on being both savage and soft, mostly depending on the proximity to coffee.
Your outie refers to all her ventures as 'babies'—it’s unclear how many more the world can handle.
Your outie spent four years testing haircare products, but her own hair changes every four minutes.
Your outie’s idea of cardio is running from one brand launch event to another on Twitter.
Your outie insists she’s in her ‘blue era,’ yet still refuses to acknowledge the green text bubbles from her Android friends.

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