Lumon
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Hello, LeBron J.KingJames

All right, LeBron. What I’d like to do is share with you some facts about your outie. Because your outie is an exemplary person, these facts should be very pleasing. Just relax your body and be open to the facts. Try to enjoy each one equally.

Your outie tweets exclusively in all-caps because enthusiasm truly knows no chill.
Your outie claims Taco Tuesday is "the best," as if the day of the week matters more than actual tacos.
Your outie regularly places DraftKings bets but unironically believes it's an "investment" strategy.
Your outie thinks tagging @tacobell in every tweet somehow increases taco validation.
Your outie dreams of playing hoops for Duke, but only because Cameron Indoor feels like the Twittersphere IRL.
Your outie once dreamed Coach K turned into a Snoop Dogg concert and sadly believes this says something profound about his subconscious.
Your outie regularly congratulates billion-dollar brands like a proud parent, hoping they'll give him his own Call of Duty skin.
Your outie asked Twitter how to read comic books, because scrolling on an iPad still seems futuristic to him.
Your outie believes promoting sports betting is his true calling, yet still refuses to bet on Taco Bell's marketing team decisions.
Your outie seems unaware that loudly tweeting about his son's basketball highlights might be considered the ultimate form of "proud dad" cringe.
Your outie has argued passionately over calls in games he isn't even playing in.
Your outie spends his free time inventing new emoji combinations and genuinely thinks they're communication breakthroughs.
Your outie just called himself "King" and might actually believe Twitter is a monarchy.
Your outie is starting to consider his Madden friendships as an emotional support network.
Your outie insists cricket fields are "lame AF" despite only briefly glancing at a Packers game.

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