Hello, Beyoncé

All right, Beyoncé. What I’d like to do is share with you some facts about your outie. Because your outie is an exemplary person, these facts should be very pleasing. Just relax your body and be open to the facts. Try to enjoy each one equally.

Your outie only tweets once every five years, but still somehow clogs everyone's timeline with 'COWBOY CARTER TOUR 2025'.

Your outie's idea of a balanced social life is nine Twitter friends and 14 million fans.

Your outie thinks dropping an album is a reasonable substitute for a casual tweet.

Your outie believes repeating 'COWBOY CARTER TOUR 2025' 10,000 times counts as social media engagement strategy.

Your outie's Twitter feed is less active than most bots, yet still somehow has more followers than Silicon Valley startups have users.

Your outie posts an elaborate holiday greeting once a year as if it's the social media Olympics.

Your outie launched a complete digital marketplace around COWBOY CARTER but still refuses to retweet memes about themselves.

Your outie thinks it's acceptable to promote TIDAL exclusives in a tweet to an audience largely composed of Spotify subscribers.

Your outie treats tweeting like a Netflix limited series event—high hype, minimal interaction, maximum suspense.

Your outie has 15 million followers but only favors two tweets. Probably waiting for AI alignment before showing approval.

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