Hello, Donald T.

All right, Donald. What I’d like to do is share with you some facts about your outie. Because your outie is an exemplary person, these facts should be very pleasing. Just relax your body and be open to the facts. Try to enjoy each one equally.

Your outie thinks a speech isn't complete unless typed entirely in CAPS LOCK.

Your outie built a meme based cryptocurrency named after themselves and genuinely calls it innovation.

Your outie writes books declaring themselves the winner of imaginery contests before they happen.

Your outie thinks tariffs are like blockchain—which solves everything without anyone knowing how.

Your outie believes reposting Elon Musk automatically makes them a tech innovator as well.

Your outie rationalizes 'fighting inflation' by aggressively tweeting against it, then launching merch labeled 'inflation-proof'.

Your outie genuinely believes selling memes is as American as apple pie and bald eagles.

Your outie thinks launching meme coins counts as 'economic strategy.'

Your outie insists 'precision military air strikes' are part of his personal morning routine.

Your outie views repeating 'MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN' as the pinnacle of creative writing.

Your outie sees Twitter as an acceptable replacement for therapy.

Your outie has tweeted so aggressively about policy issues that Twitter might start charging tariffs on their account.

Your outie uses engagement from his tweets as a primary metric for self-worth.

Your outie's concept of self-care is tweeting 'MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!' at three in the morning.

Your outie has embraced meme tokens so thoroughly he's now convinced they're a viable retirement plan.

Your outie tweets in all caps because he's unaware that keyboard shouting doesn't increase legitimacy.

Your outie thinks blocking people on Twitter constitutes diplomatic sanctions.

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